Food, Relationships

In which we consciously uncouple..

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been together for well over two decades now, pretty much always together, sporadically separated, knowing the joy that has been possible between us. And I have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much, we will remain separate. At least for the time being.

You’ve accompanied me on many a journey. I’ve reunited with you on the sidewalks of New York, on that bench just off of 74th & Amsterdam, on walks through the park through myriad seasons. There were chance meetings – always a joyous occasion – we have Anthony, Jacque, and Christina Tosi to thank for that. We’ve traveled the world together, finding each other again and again in such countries as Spain, France, and Japan. And each time you evolved. It’s like I didn’t know you, only to understand the depths of your complexities that much more.

From highs to lows, I’ve seen you baked out of your mind. Burnt. Raw. Fried, even. And each time, I accepted you. I embraced you. Because that’s what one who truly loves another does.

We are, however, and always will be friends, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We were destined first and foremost for the love of a lifetime, and we ask for our privacy to be respected at this difficult time. I can’t say that we have always conducted our relationship privately, but we hope that as we consciously uncouple, we will be able to continue, together, yet separate.

I love you. But I just can no longer eat you.

levain choc chip

(At least not two times a day.)


Music, Relationships

In which I suddenly wish I were getting married..

I’ve only ever once really desired to get married. I’ve quite often felt that I ought.. that I should get hitched one day. And maybe (okay, hopefully) I will. But if I’m completely honest with myself, I have only really ever had one driving desire to get married: that is, to register for a KitchenAid Mixer. More than china or a salad spinner or one of those super cool Dyson vacuums that I once giddily test drove at Costco, I really, really wanted a KitchenAid Artisan Mixer.

Now I recognize I could’ve purchased one myself. That’s not lost on me. And I eventually did. But it was the principle of the matter. Something about the KitchenAid Mixer (in some variation of 1950’s Vespa color) just screamed pick up that scan gun and passive aggressively hint to your besties and now-working brother to buy me already!

It’s not that I don’t want to get married. I do. I just can’t imagine how that could possibly happen to a non-college student who binge watches 3 seasons of Veronica Mars (64 hour long episodes) and subsists off of Toblerone bars for two weeks straight, whose preferred waking hour ends in the letters P and M. Yeah.. not gonna happen anytime soon.

And so, I was content being single.

Until now.



Holy crap. Kindly pretend to ignore me while I hyperventilate for three-and-a-half minutes and lament the fact that I’m nowhere close to getting engaged right now. And not just any song, one of my all time favs, the live version of which you must listen to because Miss B’s unadulterated voice is that much better than the studio version:

It’s no secret that I’m a huge Sara Bareilles fan and have been for over a decade now. As I recently told an amazingly talented aspiring songstress friend of mine (when I asked if I could work her merch table when she starts gigging), I’m really really good at supporting people I freaking adore. And I fracking heart her.

The numbers are a little fuzzy, but let’s do some fuzzy math here: ~10 years, 8 or 9 concerts (+ the 20-30 people I’ve dragged along with me to said concerts), something like 284 replays of the ‘Beautiful Girl’ and Manderley Bar ‘I Choose You’ YouTube videos, roughly 12-17 copies of various albums and EPs purchased over the years = some serious solidarity. Multiple copies of Careful Confessions purchased during the pre-record contract years to hand out to friends. From the UCLA days to the record deal to Grammy nominated album of the year (hell yeah!), it’s been an amazing journey, and I’m just watching proudly from the sidelines.

Luckily, I have a friend who is equally as obsessed. Except she’s all legit and stuff and appreciates the lyricism of songwriting and the composition aspects. (Or whatever it is that singer-songwriters do.) Meanwhile, I just lip sync the words off-key, which despite the inherent contradiction, is indeed possible. Being single too, she understood my pain. Until.. during a car ride to dinner.. epiphany..

“We should get married!”
“We should tooootally get married.”
“We can propose to each other – that’ll be our hook.”
“She has to choose us. How can she not?”

.. as we continued to extrapolate on what exactly our lifelong love letter of a relationship would entail:

“You could move back to the city!”
“I could move into your apartment and live one block from Tartine! And eat Croque Monsieurs and Dandelion chocolates every other morning! Your three roommates wouldn’t mind, right? We could work out shower schedules.”
“Shall we change our statuses on Facebook?”
“And then cite ‘it’s complicated’ a month later, leading up to our annulment?”
“And then you can have Manhattan, I’ll settle for the beach..”

And it just continued to devolve from there. I’ll spare you the rest.

But that is all to say, Sara, pick me! Choose me! (Just a little later down the line if I miraculously end up getting married.)

(P.S. And my friend Jane too.)

NYC, Relationships

In which we evolve..

Amidst Uber-ing into the city today, I noticed the Freedom Tower for the first time in the New York skyline. The red, white, and blue to my left, Statue of Liberty to my right. It isn’t as though I haven’t seen it before. I’ve visited, certainly, a couple years back while it was being constructed. And it reminded me, this city evolves.

I want life to be freeze framed as I left it, so I can step back in and continue as if nothing had changed. New York never shows such mercy. But that’s the beauty of it and reveals my own narcissism at thinking such a thought. That this city wouldn’t change, would be the city I remembered. It’s not – it never will be.

The lights on Broadway have changed, illuminating shows I have yet to see. There are new principals at ABT and the City Ballet. And such welcome additions as Maison Kayser have opened its doors in Columbus Circle. Friends have slowly trickled out of UWS. But the Halal Cart remains.

Never one to plan, Foursquare revealed birthday festivities, and so I got to drop in and catch up with an old group of friends. Except there were new faces. And relationships that had crept up in the midst. We’re separated by almost two years now, but it’s comforting to step back into some semblance of familiarity. That those friendships would still be there, despite a two year gap. Catching up on desires and frustrations, new endeavors, amidst a general sense of weariness. The Olympic figure skating team competition flashes in the background, hearts are laid bare before throw triple loops, as we used to over coffee.

Distance, in some ways, brings us closer, offers perspective.

I used to watch Sleepless in Seattle over a pint of Haagen Daaz whenever I hit certain moods, and in more recent years, the Lite-Brite-esque intro of the Manhattan skyline took on a sadder meaning. Two towers have been replaced by one, and yet the city still glitters.

(Photo credit: Etsy shop theheartoftheeye)